Doctor's Diaries
by MonkaMoo
Summary: As I stared out the window of the shuttlecraft, I wondered what in the hell had made me decide to become head of Starfleet Medical. I had no answers." In Season 2 Episode 1 "The Child", we discover our dearest Doctor has left to become head of Starfleet Medical. What we don't know is that she regretted it. Intended to be read this with its sister story, 'Betazoid Book'. Will be AU.
1. Prologue

A/N Hi, guys! This a story about Beverly and Jean-Luc, my second-fave couple in TNG. It is the sister story of **The Betazoid Book #1.** It follows the same timeline and everything, but all the chapters will be in Beverly's point of view. I will mention which chapter of Betazoid Book it corresponds with.

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 **Prologue**

As I stared out the window of the shuttlecraft, I wondered what in the hell had made me decide to become head of Starfleet Medical.

I had no answers.

As a young girl living with my grandmother, Felisa Howard, I would spend hours looking up at the stars through the white-paneled windows. Nana would call me back to my chores, or over to dinner, but my mind was elsewhere. I knew my destiny was in those stars. The constellations and planets and moons I gazed at while lying in bed at night- they called me, the mystery of them was too much to ignore.

And now that I've finally been where I wanted to be all my life, I was leaving.

When I told the Captain I'd accepted the offer at Starfleet Medical, he formally wished me well and good luck. But I could see that, on the inside, the Jean-Luc I knew was deeply saddened to see his CMO and good friend go. The rest of the crew acted similarly, all except Data, of course, who didn't have emotions, and Worf, who never showed them.

Saying goodbye to Deanna was hard. Since our first mission to Farpoint Station, we had grown closer and closer, until we considered each other a sister. We confided in each other, told secrets, made each other laugh, and were always there for each other. I was sad to leave my good friends behind. All of my friends.

We stood in the transporter room. The Captain and the senior staff stood at attention as formality dictated. I wished formality has let me come down from the transporter pad and hug them all again.

"It's been a pleasure, Doctor." Captain Picard said, breaking the sad silence.

"I've had a wonderful time serving here," I said, struggling to keep my wavering voice under control.

"You'll do great, Beverly," Deanna said, sensing my nervousness.

"Show them how it's done." Will said.

"If anyone threatens your honor, tell them your Klingon friend will fight them and win." Worf promised. I laughed.

"Don't worry, Worf, you would be the first to know."

"I do not predict that would be an appropriate response." Data warned me seriously.

"Data," called Geordi.

"Yes, Commander?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, Commander."

"They're ready for you, Doctor." Called O'Brian from behind the transporter control panel.

"San Francisco awaits." encouraged Captain Picard, pointing at my feet.

"Make sure you go see a jazz concert. San Fran has some of the best jazz clubs around." Will advised.

"Club 47 is pretty cool, too. Go visit the Academy." Geordi told me.

"I'll miss you all." I smiled. It was time to leave. The Captain looked at me for permission and I nodded.

"Energize." He said. I saw the blue streaks of energy and felt my skin tingle before I rematerialized in the shuttle station. Although a whole team of Doctors and other officers awaited my arrival, I had never felt so alone.

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 **A/N** Just a short prologue to give you an idea. This is just before S2E1 begins, when we discover why our Dancing Doctor left, and Deanna has an interesting discovery... Let me know what you think and I would **LOOOOVE** to hear your ideas! Thanks for reading!


	2. Positive

A/N Hi guys! I'm sorry this took so long. This story was just a fleeting idea that I decided to go along with, so needless to say there is no plan with this one. PLEASE SEND IDEAS! Love you, and enjoy, my friends!

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It isn't true.

It can't be true.

I kept thinking to myself as I checked and rechecked, and again just in case. Why did I take this job? So far away from my life, my friends, my son! What did I think would happen, anyway? A clean break? Stories like this never end well, so what did I expect? Well- probably not this.

"I'm too old for this," I mumbled to myself, massaging my temples.

"Too old for what? Asked Paige Robinson, my new assistant. She tended to pop up behind me.

She was short and thin, and easily underestimated because of her size. She had a blonde bob and blue eyes, and freckles dotted every surface of her face down to her arms. She had grown up in San Francisco and, upon introduction, had promised to show me to the greatest places on the bay. Despite being in her mid-twenties, she had landed a job at Starfleet Medical after she had made a vital medical discovery which made a vaccine against the Legato Infection, which, until very recently, was thought to be incurable.

"It's nothing. Tell me, are you a ninja or something?"

"What?" she laughed.

"You have silent feet. I never hear you come in."

"The door was open. It doesn't chime like you're used to. I can arrange to have that fixed, if you'd like, Doctor."

"Or you can just wear a bell." I joked. "And please, call me Beverly when we're not performing surgery or something."

"Only if you call me Paige just the same." Robinson insisted.

"Alright, Paige. I think we'll make a good team." I received a smile in response from the young woman.

It was past 2200 hours before I had a moment to myself again. It was only then that I could start to really come to terms with what I now knew my future held.

"I have to get out of here," I said to myself. Suddenly, the room felt too small to hold me. The walls were collapsing in on me and I was gasping for breath. "Just what I need, a panic attack."

Five minutes later I arrived in Club 47 in my tap shoes. Lights flashed, blinked, roamed, and glowed. Music blasted out of speakers on every inch of the bulkheads and pounded through the floors. I felt the beat of the music in my toes, and I already wanted to dance. My feet seemed to move themselves to the dance floor.

I let go of every thought other than the impulse of my body. I tapped my toes in quarter notes along to the music, getting the feel of the beat, committing it to memory. I added in eighth notes for interest. I closed my eyes, feeling the music grow in intensity with the violin, guitar, piano, and drums. I added dotted half notes and staccatos. Soon I had sixteenth notes and I was dancing in a circle like a bullfight. One last tap and the music stopped. Out of habit, I curtsied.

I opened my eyes to the sound of applause. Everyone on the dance floor had moved to the edges to give me space. In my focus, I had forgotten where I was, and that a whole crowd was watching.

I did this almost every night for a week. At long last, someone approached me. She was an Orion, I could tell right away by her green skin and dark hair. She was dressed in holographic silver robes- if they could be called that. She seemed to glow from the reflective material.

"I am Gaia." She said. "You dance well. What do you call yourself?"

"Beverly. Beverly Crusher."

"Ah. The new Head of Medical. How do you say, would you like to dance?"

I was a bit wary to agree. I'd heard about the Orion and plenty about the dangers of dancing with one. It never goes well, obviously. So what came out of Gaia's mouth next came as a surprise.

"Don't worry, Doctor Crusher. I'm only really Orion in appearance and my love of dance. Just dance." she said. "Please?" and as she said it, I saw the more human features in her. She wasn't as muscular as an Orion woman, and she had brown hair, not black.

"Alright." I agreed.

"DJ!" Gaia called, and the music started up. I danced with my eyes closed, dancing until I practically dropped at an ungodly hour of the morning. I forgot all about what I came for, which turned out the next day to be a problem.

The next morning, I had expected to sleep in, but I was called in because the alarm system had gone off. I soon discovered that they were broken.

"Where are the repair people? They were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago." I said to a medical officer standing nearby.

"I don't know, sir." He said, intimidated.

"Find out, please," I ordered.

"Yes, sir." Off he went, and Paige Robinson gave me a look.

"What?" I asked, defensive.

"You're not yourself today," Paige said. "What's going on? If it's alright if I ask?"

"I didn't get much sleep last night," I explained. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth, and she knew it.

"Now, I don't think that's all, though. What is bothering you, Beverly?" _That makes two,_ I thought to myself, _two friends who see right through me._

I took a deep breath in and out. I didn't think I was ready to say it.

"If you don't want to talk about it…" Paige looked worried but guilty for asking.

"No, it needs to be said." I closed my eyes and told her what had been on my mind for over a week.

"I think… I might be pregnant."

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A/N Opinions? I'd love to hear them!

'Club 47' is from Star Trek Online- the game. It's epic, y'all. It's free on Steam.

I decided to go with my reader's idea that Beverly leaves the Enterprise D because she is pregnant. You'll find out soon that I added my own twist... SHOUTOUT to NikitaKaralis and Zara08 for the idea!


	3. Buried

**A/N-** Hello, readers. As I said before, I AM SO sorry I haven't updated in ages. I hope you appreciate this chapter despite my mistake.

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 **Buried/Healing (** this chapter is titled "Buried" and matches the chapter "Healing" in Betazoid Book)

"Please, tell me you've gone to a doctor." I looked up from a PADD I was signing off on to see Paige bring in a stack more.

"But I am a doctor." I replied, unamused.

"You know it doesn't make sense to give yourself a full checkup. And it'll be good to have a second opinion." she continued. I eyed the pile of PADDS she was placing next to me. "A group of hikers in an avalanche came in from Alaska." she explained. The only things I signed off on were fatal cases (which I'd taken to calling 'death forms') or developmental proposals for the building and management. Lately, it'd been mostly the former.

"Beeeeverlyyyy." Paige sighed, drawing out my name until I looked up.

"What?"

"As your friend, I am asking you to go see another doctor. Not me, because I'm involved, but someone."

"Fine. I will. But watch it, I'm still your superior." I knew I wasn't going to go anytime soon. Paige seemed satisfied, though, and left.

"Computer, play some focus music." The system complied, and I settled in to another few hours of reading and signing forms. An hour and a half later, I heard the chime of an incoming video call.

"Answer." I ordered the computer, but I didn't look up. Whoever it was, it couldn't be too important.

"Buried up to your ears in work, I see." teased a familiar voice.

"Deanna! How are you?"

"I'm better. But first, how are you? You look terribly busy." observed Deanna. She always was one for the obvious, but I loved her.

"Oh, It's not bad, actually, I just can't keep up with my desk these days. Every time I get it clean, the assistants come and dump more PADDs on my desk."

"Do you have any time to yourself? I mean, to get out?"

"Not much, unsurprisingly. But I did have a minute to go to Club 47."

"Look at you go! Did you meet anybody?"

"Not really…" I mumbled, wondering how much I wanted to tell my grieving friend.

"Bev…" she pressed.

"I can't keep anything from you, can I?"

"No."

"Okay, fine. I danced with an Orion."

"Oh my God, I can't believe you! Dancing with an Orion?"

"What can I say? I can live dangerously once in a while!" We laughed together, both trying to stay in good spirits for the other, but before too long, the laughing stopped and reality came flooding back.

"I forgot to ask. How are you doing? I got your message." I sighed.

Two days ago, I received a short little message from Deanna explaining that, under surprising circumstances, she was expecting a baby, and that it would be born within a few hours. As she had said, her son, Ian Andrew Troi II, was born five hours later. Last night, I got another message. Expecting adorable newborn photos, I opened the message with a huge smile on my face, which quickly disappeared when I heard the dreadful news- Ian had passed away less than 24 hours after his birth. Only later did I learn of the full situation, in a video call with Will Riker.

"It was so hard. Last night, I was in shock. It was hard enough to have a baby so soon, so rapidly. Not to mention, I had never met Doctor Pulaski before. Imagine what she thought of me upon first impression. And I couldn't sleep. I felt I had no one to talk to since you left- Well, that's not really fair to you. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I know that my choice isn't easy for you. It's hard being so far away from my best friend. Tell me, did you get any sleep at all?" I was worried about her health. She was one of my most frequent patients for insomnia. We had that in common.

"Actually, I did. Will came to check on me."

"Aww. How sweet of him. I'm glad he was there to support you." As I said it, I felt sorry that I wasn't there, too.

"He stayed with me last night. He was just there for me, sleeping beside me."

"Well, I'm glad you're okay. You know what? I can take an hour-long break. Why don't you tell me all about Ian?"

As I listened to Deanna's recount of mysterious, sudden pregnancy and the events afterword, a strange and upsetting feeling started to disturb me. I realized what I felt was guilt. It felt terrible to keep the truth from my closest friend. It felt like I was being buried alive.

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 **A/N-** I'm still very sorry. Please leave reviews, comments, suggestions, encouragement, etc.


	4. UPDATE

PLEASE READ!

I have sad news for those of you who really liked this story.

I was inspired to write this story, but I lacked real drive and excitement for it. I'm not as inspired anymore. Trying to keep up with this story is making me behind on my other story, Betazoid Book, which will be a series, and I have huge plans for it. I told myself I would never be an author who gives up on their stories- which is why I **won't**.

 **I would like to offer up this story to another willing author.** If you are interested, please send me a message through this website or DM me on my instagram monkamoo_fanfic

I'm hoping that in doing this, I will have more time and energy for my other story and, in consequence, it'll much better in the end.

I'm sorry and **thank you for your understanding.**


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